I believe that one has to move through the grief, not move on, but move through it.  And not just move through it lightly, but lean into it fiercely.  And for me, that means physically moving, leaning into the inevitable wind and climbing the daunting mountains in front of me.  The bike provides me with something almost meditative, it’s physically exhausting, and it passes the time where I might otherwise be alone with my thoughts and sadness.  I almost always feel emotionally better after a ride than I felt before a ride.  The hardest part sometimes, is just getting on.

Death is a funny thing.  It’s part of life and basically the only thing we all have in common with each other.  We’re all going to die, yet it is not something we’re comfortable talking about.  I have learned that not many people want to follow too close down the road of discussing death and grief.  Losing Tessa is so enormous in my being that it trumps all other thoughts and emotions, and yet I’ve learned that I’d better not talk much about Tessa or her dying or people will not want to be around.  I get it, it’s uncomfortable and unbearable.  And in the end, losing Tessa has led me to a remarkable amount of loneliness and isolation.

In the depths of grief, I don’t always possess the words to describe and understand what I am feeling.  I don’t have the gene that gives me the ability to discuss my feelings. I am sad, my life will never be as happy as it was when Tessa was alive.  What more do I need to say about my feelings anyway?  But I am lucky enough to have discovered that, although I don’t fully understand my feelings, cycling helps me.  There are enormous amounts of scientific evidence that exercise is good for mental health. It’s a complex relationship, I’m sure.  It’s clear to me that endorphins are released when I exercise, but also just being outdoors with the wind in my face, the sun on my shoulders, the sounds of the world whizzing by, the feeling of adrenaline in my veins when the speed picks up under my wheels, and the smell of the ocean breeze, it all adds up to helping me get through the day. I think there is something about the rhythmic nature of pedaling a bike that is meditative and calms my nerves.  It makes me feel not so alone.  Being exhausted at the end of a ride helps me sleep at night. The bike is a good companion, and so my self-medication of choice is my bike. My JoyRide.